My Young Heart

 

It has no age
it feels as if you
grew ice in your heart
a magician constructing homes
out of broken hearts.

You wanted to love the parts
of me that no one knew existed.
It is hard to live
in a hidden world.
I never understood how
graveyards worked.
You could have killed me
with all the love and romance
as if teenagers had nothing
on us.

I wanted to know why
but these questions
are never answered.
I suppose wanting someone
with a heart
that matched mine
was too much to ask for
and I know that now.

See how my young heart
has no wrinkles?

See how my young heart
professed my love
to you? And all you did
was nothing.

You accepted it
and never gave me yours.

My young heart aged
and now it needs
a kind of love
only strange girls like me
require.

I can never go home now
it does not exist anymore.
All the furniture is gone
all the memories are packed
in used boxes with labels
of time and place
that I will not even look at again.

Erase my young heart.

Let it break over and over
as it is accustomed to doing.

Lordy

I was thinking about

you are too loud

in my silence,

You’re a cross

between a rock star

and a supermodel

as if spring is in the air

when winter has a few songs

left to play.

I will admit

I do not fall into cliques

or rules

because I make my own

and burn them after.

 

I pull back for my own sanity.

 

Understand you are so wild

that no one

can hold you down for long.

 

Lordy, you are raw talent

combined force

of a drink and a coffee

of a poem

you read a thousand times

a song you can never

stop listening to

and the car crash

you relive over and over.

 

Lordy, Lordy

I make up words

sounds

and some people call me a savant.

 

Shut off the world news

and caress my disturbance

it cannot bear concealment.

 

I recited this to my husband

and he nods his head

because he was watching me write it down

shook his head

and said

you are so fucking gifted.

 

I am envious.

 

Don’t be, I said. I’d rather sit and watch

the news and not listen to

my mind

Le Club

“the difference between Art and Life is that Art is more bearable” – Charles Bukowski

 

I want to keep all the seconds

minutes, hours to myself.

I want to revel

in the magic

of two glistening bodies.

I made a list of things

and created poetry

from chandeliers

and hotel lobbies.

Pinot noir and club sandwiches

with no tomatoes

who would believe

the poem?

My notes of you?

skin and sin, you said,

two peas in an ipod, I said.

I’m not afraid to eat

or to love your body.

I can caress too

I can feel your insides out

and your pain.

I could be a Real person

no frills

orchids on my skin.

Set alarm to sundown

and kiss some of your freckles

hello and goodbye.

Mohawk on your head

cause you’re the warrior

I’m too busy taking pictures

of chandeliers

being cozy in your arms

in my jeans.

I wonder if all the having

covered all the wanting.

I wonder what you were thinking

when I said

what was on my mind.

I am who I am.

I say the worst and the best

all in the same line.

You probably liked me still

do with me what you will

make my body sore

I will never complain.

Turn me anyway you desire

I like what clearly

makes you

want me like a teenager.

But I know how to lose people

by not knowing how to hold

on to them.

I’m always saying the wrong things

or staring at your lips

I’m banging my head

my heart

my body

my soul

my mind

up against your squeezed up chest

I can’t breathe

but I like it

being under you.

Sometimes you follow your heart

destroy your logic

in the walk

to the elevator.

I water my soul

with your kisses.

I’m fine.

Don’t know how to behave.

So excuse me

for this poem

that I’ve been meaning

to not write.

I always feel it’s

never good enough

for you.

 

My translator

Everyone struggles with the other side of the grass

is it green

is it the future

of the deep driven past

repeat, shuffle, play

life, songs

music every fucking day.

Off to another town

to play the role of how we go up

and fall hard down

onto the bed with you

in my high heels shoes

and nothing else.

You do not have to love me at all

as much as I use it

I don’t.

So many may say it better than me

so many may be prettier

or smarter

or uglier

or closer

and yet here we are

in the same room

no one else can see us

my eyes on yours

and yours on mine

who cares about the wallet

or the cars we drive

or the typing in my head.

Let go the pain

and let me keep on loving your insane

heart

I knew it from the start

to run

but you kept on pulling my hand

painting the road yellow

fanning my stress

massaging my lower back

digging deep inside me with your

magic

I still run fast

I need to

I’m made that way

like a statue coming alive

so cold

so bloody hot.

It’s merely rings on my fingers

gifts from the past

nights made of hot lust

wedding night drunks

it’s all or nothing

nothing or all

it’s my heart

my mind

my soul

that confide

to each other

my keyboard the translator.