Expectations

Expectation will ruin your life.

I wrote that because most people have these unrealistic expectations of their loved ones when they know that they have limitations. I can’t expect my husband to take out the trash when he never does. I can’t be disappointed in my book sales when I don’t promote myself like I need to. I can’t expect my friends to read my mind when I run out of restaurants upset. I hate to feel so much. At the same time, I don’t know what it’s like to feel nothing at all. Most people can’t see the cracks in the sidewalk because they are staring at their phone. I read a whold book on a plane and had time to drink. I feel that expectations should be kicked away as far away from reality as possible. Paths have a way of turning into gravel and detour signs are more prevalent now more than ever.

I am working on a book, a journal, a new life.

Chapters don’t need headings all the time.

Life needs to be unpredictable at times.

 

 

 

not really

not really prompted
by much
but you
and your lovely hearts
that speak
to me as much
as my naked hips do
to you

not really following roads
lately
only photos of stones
near deep rivers
to dwell on past
lives

not really caring about
punctuation
or sexy panties
just hustling by
changing words
in my novel
that sound the same

not really loving
the same people
but always you
how you get inside
me and out
with your drawings
grand gestures

not really caring
what others think
delving deep into
my vulnerability
and sucking up
my ego
as I lay on my bed
naked
waiting
for you.

Ahead

I could not have met you
at a more perfect moment
not at a park swing
at ten
not at a party at sixteen
not at a bar at twenty-three
not at an altar at thirty
not at Central Park
under a full moon
at forty
but under the Montreal sky
on a dangerous street
looking up at the infinite stars
on a mild fall day
that warmed my heart.
I thought my hair smelled
like fish
but you assured me
it truly did not.
And I liked how you asked
so many questions
in so little time,
you said I was how
you had pictured me,
you know what I felt
you felt what I knew.
This is being Ahead
by a century, I thought
but I didn’t say that,
most of my thoughts
they come out slowly
like dripping water.
I said another line
and you understood
that even if I was a bit tipsy
you were such a gentleman.
I always remember
every
word.

heavy

at times I think you see me

when I am no longer there

our hearts grow heavy

you used to love me

when days were warmer

and nights were colder

odd thoughts about needles

and skin

falling into my thoughts

light raindrops in deep nights

with gaps

strong enough for me

big arms to envelop me

sweet words to whisper in my neck

your load is the perfect size

rolling inside me like thunder

it is explosive (this kind of lust)

words and beauty

truth and lies

strength and weakness

and me and you

ready to dive

into the icy waters.

Driving around the freeway

new songs

new aches

old friends

full of mistakes

sorry to break your heart

I never meant that

yet you knew

I was grasping

seeing things that were

already gone

building kitchens

and writing love songs.

You’d like me to go on forever

sit at my favorite place

and write another story in a month

imagine the lines on your face

or not

the way the words made you hot

but please leave me

I want to create my own melody

far from your eyes

under no disguise

can’t you see I’m pretty real

or unreal

or whatever the fuck you want to make me be

just never truly free.