Ticket Train

Look up and watch the fall sky.
I keep on waiting
for the perfect day
to burn the notes
but they remain intact
an abstract Pollock painting
locked up
in some burgundy chest
bought at Winners.
No one holds the lock and key
as tightly as you do.
Even if you knew me then
against the high school wall
or now
as I wait in the sky
or in the future
writing you in my life
none of it would matter
except half-hour dates
and minutes to destiny
as love affairs
come and go
like snowstorms
leaving me under
to feel the freezing water
waiting to melt
at his warming touch
and thaw out
under his skin.

Murders in Montreal
rapists in hiding
driving on Sherbrooke Street
looking for tattoo parlours
to imprint your soul
upon my skin
as if it could even
be done.
None of it is real.

What a lively imagination
you have
just listen and maybe
you will hear the birds too
in -20 degrees
Tiffany did, she told
me so this morning.
I lit a candle for her
for her cat-scan
for her life.
I keep on praying for others
who will ever pray for me?
I know the dead do.
The only ones I can rely on.

Fresh face

Wrap you up in my lovely lies
lay you down in horrible highs
deceive you with myself
bands that have that
sound
like The Pains of Being…
you could probably fill in the gaps
know how to walk backwards
in a forward world.
I meant to lie only to the
tiny parts that screamed out
but know you’re in
in on my conspiracy
my own warped way
when lights go off
as dark as the forest
the deep ocean
with only the moonlight
guiding me
the place where I recognize you
lower case magic
upper case rules.

So many layers
you can never imagine
how many lights I have shut
how many still flicker
how many highways divide
or
snowstorms collide
you can hear me in the silence
it’s a rare gift
passed on from generation
to generation
but only the few have both
the lock and key
sometimes there is only one
without the other
but when I was high
I saw them both.
Who needs sleep
when you have all this love
these dance moves to show
how I dip
how we fly
I am living in another world
while parked
waiting for
the doors of my dreams
to open.

Await

There was a title to my love
story. I changed it about
as many times as you left
then came back with
those images that always
worked before. Before him,
that is. The title is in the works.
In my deep mind of altered
dreams. You are inside me
now, like the poems I write. You
write. I sleep. You sleep. I dream.
You dream. We meet. We part.
I want no answers. This is my
main problem. No solutions.
Most girls want it all. I want none
of it. All the things you can’t see
this is what I want. I need to
disappear, even under the sheets
will do. With or without you. I
recite Bono too often, claiming
this time I have tricks of bravery
up my sleeve on bristol boards
of love. I will run to you.
What else will keep me going
from one frozen day into another
as doctors call my name in
waiting rooms and I create
some kind of poetry that wakes
you from sweet daily slumber
and boredom on your screens.
Head on the desk, claiming
the flu has caught you again.
The headaches they’re back.
This stays within me. This long
drawn wait for the inevitable.
Health. Love. All this I claim none
of.
All
This
I
Await to read
screens of destiny.

Clouds

Above the clouds you float
in grey
in cool slacks
and attire
hovering high
filled with facts
trivia bytes
ghosts travel
among us
past lives
recent quotes
songs that shine
between us
like brilliant diamonds
stones stay far
under the untouchables
while we dream
of being closer
crawling up staircases
in the sky
you the eagle
I the raven
for the dark crashes
inside us
the strength within
the artistry between
the invisible lines
you take nothing away
but give it right back
packaged
just for me
and I accept it.

ten seconds

As you roar
bark, write, taunt
please the masses
years turn into decades
lines across the forehead
funerals become weddings.
In time,
you told me how you fell for me
in ten seconds
how you watched me walk
around the room
watched me dance
entered the dance floor
like a thief.
if I close my eyes
count to ten
I know how long you tried
and I was subtle
putty in your hands
entrapped in that aqua blue
taking off my shoes
ripping off my clothes
writing my number with black eyeliner
I had to have you
mostly because you tried
you came after me
you wanted me
I felt it
and
that desire alone
creates tulips in my spring
hence I wanted you
I fell into your arms
laughingly.
I want to remember this
and nothing else.
And these are the reasons
you have me
where you want me.

Hospital love

Lying in bed with my eyes half-open
the night at the emergency
was no Saturday night party
still surrounded my painful souls
swaying from one body part to another
read one-hundred and seventy four pages
of the book I told him about
couldn’t finish that horrible trashy romance
atrocious writing and the romance was a baseball game
but my mom sat next to me
between chapters
reminisced my childhood
and I remembered the reasons I love the way I do
everything seems clearer with no sleep
pain
at four in the morning.
So we barked about medicare
but thanked the doctor as if he was God
and my mom said
this country has gone to shits
we never waited nine hours to see a doctor
(and I was not alone).
Yet how that smell makes you feel
like you are so fucking alone
and young Chinese doctors
holding my future
as I lie naked
staring at my mom
as if I was five again.
Then we giggled
because I told her the onion story.
When the pain from inside manifests
and you don’t care if your poems rhyme
or if they are truly poems
or confessions
beautiful lies Charles calls them
and I REread that line
a few too many times.
At least I have fifty cents
for a phone call
being off the grid
and watching my phone and tears
land in the bathtub
was not a highlight.
I think that Charles and my mom
were quite the audience
to my fall.
Sometimes the people
that you think
love you the most
turn out to love you one eighth of their own capability
their love has all these limits
like kilometres or milage
or distances
on a highway.
I speed too much
I love too much
I get speeding tickets
other people follow
while I’m on the verge of losing my license.
As I fall asleep on my mom’s shoulder
you creep into my thoughts
don’t be so surprised
for you never give up (like the rest).
When you find your way in
bring a candle
to the empty table
there is no electricity
old fashioned virgin love
(Not like the rest).
I am not fully ready to empty out the pockets of my soul.
I just feel different.
You must know.

Reveal

The more you reveal of yourself
the more I want to see
hair untangled
fully dressed
you read me without words
meanings flushed away
don’t confront them now
perhaps lying in bed
was not where you thought
you’d find me
should be cooking those
delicious Greek dishes
but I honestly suck at it
and you know I do
I wish I was more like them
hence the smile for you
sometimes you need to stop
and stare at the flowers
forget the traffic
worry about which perfume to wear
but that was never the case with me
from the starting sunset
till my last breath
I wonder about where you went
and why you told me so much
why I understood
how the temperature in my bedroom
shifted
as you drew near.

Wavy

All insipidly  wavy inside of me

like the texture of my hair 

yet you reach for it.

Some songs can bring me 

to the edge of the sea

ready to plunge, 

others suck my soul bare

Pain pulling each string

piece by piece.

 

Most women love to gas up, pile in the bags

pretend they are content

and read Fifty Shades as if it’s a masterpiece. 

I do roll my eyes, and admit I am

a literary snob. Don’t hug

me unless you are ready for the

studded belt. Don’t kiss me 

either, my lipstick stains. Don’t emoji 

me, I’m not sold on it. But thank you

for the laughter,

as much as you take

away me essence

you give it back in abundance

I am so topsy-turvy in love

regardless of what I write

or how clever you think I am

you never need to read it. Pretend

I do not write. Let me smoke and 

drink wine discussing art and all 

I look forward to, nothing I’ve left

unscathed. Rumors unfurled,

denying everything but the way the 

smoke exhales

I love it when you love me

for myself and nothing else

you hate me so passionately

it is what I need. Both in one 

day, in one sentence. You only 

know. 

it has kept me invincible

to men who try to sneak in

between my monologues.

 

 

Hate

Hate me profoundly
abhor every word
the fence is locked
forgot the key
turn here, dammit
I slam on the brakes
nothing has been the same
since you woke me up
I loved my sleeping ways
finding shelter in his arms.
Break a spell
spring forth all the sayings
poems
memorized in my poetry class
I read the journals
loaded up my manuscripts
watched them burn
couldn’t stop the flow now
a waterfall of metaphors
shocks my body
captures my soul
and the silence
is the Leader
that guides me
straight to your bridge
where I will be very soon
always searching for that swift moon
and while I am awake
you will be asleep
while I am dreaming
you will be alive.

Hate should flow easily
I open my arms to it
to replace the love.

I wait for it.

More

I will disappoint you

so don’t come back for more

you did the best thing leaving

don’t walk back through that door

I’m full of bullshit, lies and heartache

turn elsewhere for sympathy and ads

I know of pain and healing

(how the stars shine for me on cloudy days)

only I can see it

up and down the stairs with bags

cutting out love with hashtags

who cares about the dead

the ones I’d like to talk to 

I don’t know what words come out

or why they do

or what they fucking mean

it’s art

fiction

gravy on poutine

so bad for you, yet so tasty

I can’t believe people even like what I have to say

I swear it’s on the fly

stupid mundane thoughts 

that I should hideaway

Plath would never read it

and you should never concede it

dreams are so vivid

how seeds are planted wisely

spread out all over my body

nipples can react to mostly anything 

cold, words, heat, you

the words I would like to tell you

mostly

should be the ones 

I would keep to myself

up until the day

I look into your eyes

and if that day never comes

I will never compromise.