Four

It was painful, but what hurt the most

was not the physical pain. ย the scraping

of my uterus

reminds me of candles

not blown on a birthday cake.

of unknown names and faces

that haunt me.

that time, I wanted it to be taken,

convinced,

university mattered more than life.

the second time, it was dead

before I looked down

to watch my tummy

grow.

the third time

it was a boy. and my dad

was alive to hold him.

the fourth time

it was a girl. at the

ultrasound I cried.

i held my breath

praying i would have

a daughter.

to replace being

a daughter. but that

is eternal too.

pinched with love

and Greek sayings.

So when the nurse asked me how many children do you have? I paused.

I really wanted to say four

but my husband

would not understand

how I think about

the other two

all the fucking time.

Two, I replied, a little breathless. a little jaded.

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58 comments

  1. josephacarlucci · June 6, 2015

    Brilliant and powerful.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chrissy · June 7, 2015

      thank you so much Joseph for always reading my work, I appreciate it so much. Have a great day ๐Ÿ™‚

      Like

      • josephacarlucci · June 8, 2015

        It is easy and a pleasure to read your writing as you have such a ctalent for the medium. Take care.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Chrissy · June 8, 2015

        thank you ๐Ÿ™‚

        Like

  2. flyingonemptythoughts · June 6, 2015

    I am Speechless.. I was a little breathless getting to the last line.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Giselle · June 6, 2015

    Beautiful

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chrissy · June 7, 2015

      Much appreciation for the comment, thank you for reading and letting me know.

      Like

  4. Annie B · June 6, 2015

    Oh, how I feel this! Beautifully poignant โค๏ธ

    Liked by 1 person

  5. deuxiemepeau · June 6, 2015

    Beautifully honest- thank you for sharing

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Cate Derham · June 7, 2015

    Raw expression. As I’ve come to expect from your writing. This piece is packed with all sorts of emotion. xoxo!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chrissy · June 7, 2015

      thanks Cate. Yes, it was a bit of a breakdown and crying in public cafes, but it had to come out. xxoxoxo

      Like

  7. JunkChuck · June 7, 2015

    Wow. I’d wanted to say this was sadly beautiful, but the more thought I give it, the more it seems to be beautifully sad, if you get the distinction. Either way, you got me. Wonderful.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. passionatesighs · June 8, 2015

    Ok, that made me tear up.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chrissy · June 8, 2015

      thank you for the feedback ๐Ÿ™‚ I know it’s not an easy subject to talk about – and that’s why I never talk about it

      Liked by 2 people

  9. thegirlshewas · June 8, 2015

    Reblogged this on thegirlshewas and commented:
    these
    words
    are
    heartbreakingly
    beautiful.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Chrissy · June 8, 2015

      thank you my beautiful friend. means so much coming from you. xx

      Like

  10. Mary Caliendo · June 8, 2015

    Wow. Very powerful. Emotional. Heartbreaking. Profound.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Jimmy Lem · June 8, 2015

    Yeahhhhh….that’s good…that’s REALLY good…right out of your heart good. Thanks for sharing this Chrissy.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Superduque777 · June 8, 2015

    Donยดt forget
    We also have a blog,
    https://superduque777.wordpress.com/

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Superduque777 · June 9, 2015

    Like

  14. stacilys · June 9, 2015

    Holy crap! That was so powerful. Raw and real. Feelings and regrets that are hard to forget (and shouldn’t forget, right?)
    Great piece.
    Btw, thanks for visiting and following my little blog.
    ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chrissy · June 10, 2015

      And thank you for your kind words and feedback. Glad you connected. thank you as well for visiting. ๐Ÿ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  15. Souldiergirl · June 10, 2015

    Oh honey. I know this. You are so brave and beautiful. I love you even more with each line I take in. Thank you for being a shinning star for me to look up to. โค๏ธ

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chrissy · June 10, 2015

      You are my shining star too. Never forget that. Love back and hugs. Thank you so much. xxxx

      Liked by 1 person

  16. thesarahdoughty · June 10, 2015

    Oh yes. I would be in the same boat. I didn’t abort, but I miscarried. I often wonder what it would have been like if I had that child too.

    Liked by 2 people

  17. Jarrod C · June 13, 2015

    Very poignant and heartbreaking. I’m sorry for your loss.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chrissy · June 15, 2015

      thank you so much Jarrod, you’re so sweet for saying. it was a very long time ago, but time doesn’t heal all wounds.

      Like

      • Jarrod C · June 15, 2015

        You are welcome. I am sure it took a lot of strength to assemble this piece being that the topic is so close to your heart.

        Be well my friend.

        Liked by 1 person

  18. lynn__ · June 20, 2015

    Poignantly, painfully honest, Chrissy…yes, you’ve had four children and this makes me ache for your loss.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chrissy · June 21, 2015

      grateful for your kind compassionate words xx

      Like

  19. pndrgn99 · June 22, 2015

    It’s amazing how often the world tries to get us to get over something they can’t bear to feel. You have four children even if not all of them are with you. You have to live the truth and those who can’t deal with it or don’t want to don’t have to listen. I’m sorry for your losses. I’m glad that each of them has a mother.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chrissy · June 22, 2015

      thank you for reading, much appreciation for your compassionate words ๐Ÿ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  20. tHis tWisted yOuth · June 23, 2015

    Important words shared well. To say we are at times able to accept is not to say we do not care or forget. Thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

  21. phoenixgrey85 · July 4, 2015

    Heartbreaking.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Pingback: Four – Christina Strigas
  23. The Anxiety Chronicles · December 2, 2016

    Wow that hit my heart! That’s such a powerful poem, xo.

    Liked by 1 person

  24. Kunal Thakore · February 25, 2017

    Tear in my eye, but a pat on the back & a hug for you, Chris!

    Liked by 1 person

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